The Professor Sincerely Does Not Want To Comment For Fox News

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Professor Liddle-Oldman

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[Feb. 12th, 2013|01:27 pm]

[

Tags

bad temper, cholor, church, election, fundies say the darndest things, intemperate ranting, ufpc, wingnuts

]

There's a guy at church – Clyde, one of the few people startlingly taller than I – who thinks I should write a blog.

I think this would be a terrible idea.

There are two perfectly good reasons I should not be writing a blog. One, my work habits suck. I'm lazy and lackadaisical and easily distracted and irresponsible. I have no ironed clothes and I'm literally ten years behind in labeling and posting photographs. I'd get a site and write something clever and then leave it for months, until it had dust and cobwebs and smelled funny.

Two, I'm intemperate.

He usually suggests I blog after I've gone off on some long circuitous spittle-flecked rant about current conditions and practices. I tend to use phrases like "snake-licking sheep-molesting badly caramelized wads of moron brittle". I tend to suggest drastic solutions that not only would not work but sound stupid as soon as I stop ranting.

I told you that story so I could tell you this one.

He and I and a couple of other guys were chatting at coffee hour one Sunday, and as usual we got off onto the election, which was just getting started at that point. This means that all of the fringe, wingnut, batshit, no-hope candidates were still thick on the ground and wombulating on camera. I don't remember if one of the candidates had just declared that women's rights must be ground out in the name of Lord Jesus Christ The Avenger, or that witchcraft was a serious threat to the Fatherland, or that slavery was in fact a blessing to the few wretched Africans who survived the crossing, or if we'd just seen the photo of the guy holding up a sign reading GOVERNMENT HANDS OFF OUR MEDICARE, but something set me off in a frenzy of furious pique. I finally reached the crescendo with "…and if I had a button that would eliminate every single last teabagger, I would push it twice!"

And one of the guys in the conversation nodded and said sagely, "Double-tap".

("Double-tap", as I understand it, is the policy of shooting each enemy twice, preferably head shots, to lessen the possibility that they'll just get up again when your back is turned. Whether you're dealing with zombies, minions, simulacra, eldritch horrors, orcs, or thralls, it's a sound practice.)

So that, essentially, is why I don't blog. And, frankly, strong evidence that they're used to me at church.

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Comments:

From:

bill_sheehan
2013-02-12 06:40 pm (UTC)

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(Cue Bette Davis from "What Ever Happened To Baby Jane?"): But ya ARE, Blanche! But ya ARE!

Isn't *this* a blog?

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From:

liddle_oldman
2013-02-12 07:39 pm (UTC)

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I wouldn't think so. It's a peer-reviewed journal. There's no distribution, no way past the curtain, and often contains an account of what I made for supper. (Hint: they're not really tart, and they don't really pop.)

The other part of the answer is, I do not in any way want my meat life intersecting with this. It's one of the many, many, many reasons I don't have a Farcebook account. (I am of course aware that you know me in meat, and two of my F-list are actually church members, and a couple of friends comment now and then. Nothing is perfect.)

:)

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From:

liddle_oldman
2013-02-13 03:17 am (UTC)

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Also, that's kind of the joke. :)

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From:

kirstygold
2013-02-15 12:39 pm (UTC)

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in the style of Facebook. I like this comment!

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From:

thediva_laments
2013-02-12 06:47 pm (UTC)

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Ok, this got a hearty laugh out of me. Also, I needed that laugh. Thank you.

And, if I am to understand husband correctly, a double tap is one to the head one to the heart. He being of the combat veteran variety, US Army flavor, I think he's right, though I have no personal experience with this form of Tea Bagger extermination. Pity, that.

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From:

liddle_oldman
2013-02-12 07:35 pm (UTC)

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Well, in a combat situation, it's often two to the center of mass and the coup de gras to the head. I bow to his superior knowledge. :)

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From:

thediva_laments
2013-02-12 07:40 pm (UTC)

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Oh, you know, I think that's what he meant. He pointed it out to me when we were watching a movie and I think that's exactly what the assassin in question did.

Still, pushing a button and getting rid of them all does seem rather a more efficient method. :)

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From:

liddle_oldman
2013-02-12 07:40 pm (UTC)

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Also, I don't have the time or the resources to hunt down every teabagger and cap their ass. I was sort of hoping for a good death spell. Let the spell decide who's a teabagger and who's just a loudmouth. :)

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From:

rolypolypony
2013-02-12 08:17 pm (UTC)

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I dream of such a spell! If only Harry Dresden were real...

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From:

liddle_oldman
2013-02-14 04:21 pm (UTC)

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He could probably find a way to power it, too.

But if Dresden were real, then all the rest of it would be real too... I really don't want the naagloshii, thank you.

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From:

hykue
2013-02-13 05:28 am (UTC)

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But...but..THIS is a blog.

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From:

liddle_oldman
2013-02-14 04:21 pm (UTC)

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I think of it as a peer-reviewed journal -- but that is sort of the joke. :)

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From:

splodgenoodles
2013-02-13 06:32 am (UTC)

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Oh snap! Eldest Bro suggested blogging to me last week. I was flattered.

Also, "wombulating" is great.

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From:

liddle_oldman
2013-02-14 04:23 pm (UTC)

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I presume you mean the word is great, and not the experience. :)

You most certainly could blog! I'd read it.

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From:

ansis
2013-02-14 12:17 am (UTC)

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I felt moved to log in and reply to this, instead of just lurkkng as usual, because I had to point out, as have others I see, that this IS a blog. It appears on my RSS feed too, so I say if it looks like a blog and quacks like a blog then it's a blog.

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From:

liddle_oldman
2013-02-14 04:25 pm (UTC)

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Quack!

First, hi! I'm flattered I'm on your feed. (I didn't know one could do that!) I have your craft blog on mine. :)

Also, "This is not a blog" is sort of the joke. Though I usually think of it as a peer-reviewed journal.

Feel free to speak up more often! Yours is one of the voices I miss.

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From:

kirstygold
2013-02-15 12:46 pm (UTC)

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I haven't been in LJ for a while, you'll notice the lack of ... well, anything from me. I love your reasoning about things. I agree with your 'friend' that you should perhaps indulge in a more widely distributed weblog with your thoughts and opinions. However, if you stop writing your peer-reviewed journal, I shall make attempts to track you down and double tap you

OK, I'm too lazy to do that - but yours is the only LJ that is NOTIFIED to me when you post. Cos I like it. Very muchly. and besides which, you're writing for us, the crazies* that love you and appreciate knowing things like Scissors go on the morning breakfast tray to avoid stabbing incidents.

When you Blog to the World, you have a different audience and you censor yourself from writing Things. Maybe you wouldn't but I know that I would and I would 'sound' different. Thank you, though, meantime for keeping us peers in the Loop!

*With apologies to those of your readers who maybe aren't just quite over the edge yet.

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